i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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