my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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