I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
