I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
