I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
