I faked an abortion last night.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Just cropdusted the office
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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