My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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