Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
