I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
