if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
