just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
