At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
