I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the condom got lost in my hair
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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