Need sex. Gaining weight.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I don't deserve a penis
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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