Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
