Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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