Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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