the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
