Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
