I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
