he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
