I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
