i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
