I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
