Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
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