Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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