I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
