Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
