Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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