And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
