even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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