new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
