guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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