Say something about gay babies.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
