do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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