how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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