awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
