just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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