just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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