if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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