He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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