I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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