I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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