oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
