just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
