Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
