i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
