Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
