oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Too much gin, very little bucket
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
