its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
