the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
