he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
